Emotions Getting The Better Of Me!

Can’t been so long since I wrote anything, not that anybody reads this, just jokes I know ppl read. I know some ppl read my blog to keep tabs on me and I am cool with that. So much has been going on. I am have basically just been trying to dog paddle. I choose a path a very long time ago and for years I tried to ignore my destiny, or what I believe to be so, after all what is destiny but a chosen path that you follow because of some belief that you are going the right way. I tried in vain to just let thing pass me by, don’t get me wrong I am perfectly capable of sitting on my ass and doing nothing, but i am not very good at being satisfied with that. I am going fullblast and I can’t imagine it going any other way. I am making a lot of mistakes but i am trying my hardest and putting my heart into everything i am doing. Working all day everyday doing it my way making the calls taking the responsibility. I guess I knew it would be this way, I can see small cracks in the armor but i am battle ready so I am pushing forward. The only part I am really having trouble accepting is the current state of my personal life, it was on it’s last leg and now they are calling the crash carts. I am still arrogant enough to wonder how can I be working so hard and still come home to an empty home, and the physical place don’t matter when the empty home is in my chest. I keep telling myself that there is a time and place for everything and now I suffer later I will laugh, and later still I will cry, such is the way of these things. it’s sounds good, but in the mean time I am a mess and I am holding it together best I am can.

so lets recap being the boss is a bitch and working as hard as i can and at the same time feeling alone sucks monkey balls, I am thankful for the opportunity I have been given. I am just hanging in there what else can i do at 30,000 feet.

Atl bound

On this plane drunk as fuck(thank god for business class).
Trying to convince myself that this metal bird won’t drop out of the sky. Thinking what is really on the other side of this equation. I know the primary motivation for this move is being there for my oldest daughter. Trying convince her that her dad gives a fuck. She thinks because she was there and i was here that I don’t love here and nothing could be futher from the truth. She dosen’t understand how she single handily change the course of my life and gave me the focus to push through bs and make something out of myself. She doesn’t know what i was before she was born i was an animal doing what I had yo survive. Even through her mom choose to bounce to Atl. I always loved her and wished she was by my side, that is old shit, I saw her starting veer off course so I made the choice to try to get closer to her. She thinks it’s too little too late but I know better. The benefit of years tells me any plan is better then no plan. So I got my place in Atl and still had to keep my place in NJ so I can get my grind on. Now of course i am leaving my whole world behind me and I feel like whatever I know what I have to do. It doesn’t make the chioce easy just let’s me sleep at night. There is my bull shit in my past that I am glad to leave behind, just don’t want to be running from shit cause that is not me. I just don’t believe in taking the old into the new so the grim reaper is out in full force killing everything that was my life. I feel like Joe black looming around my formal life like a fucking tourist cause soon enough it will be a distant memory. Can’t say for sure this Atl shit will fly but one thing for shit sure i am not going backwards so what next bitches…

Fabolous Ft Drake Throw it in the bag remix

She Stole My Words

She turned and looked at me and said, “I know things are different between us, because you don’t speak to me; before even when we on the outs you always found a way to let me know I was on your mind. You would use your blog, or write an email.”

I had to take a minute to think about what she was saying, and after further reflection I realized that she had stolen my words. She plundered my treasure I had buried deep inside of me.   She always hated the fact I was so open about what I was going thru and especially when it came to problems that she was causing me. After  a while I just stop writing about our problems partly in respect to her wishes and partly I was ashamed of what I was putting up with.
I would still bloged, but after time I stopped doing the thing that I loved to do and the thing that kept me the most human, being honest about what I was going thru. I tried so very had to fix things between us and I tried to evolve into someone that deserves a true love, a game changing love.  I watched many of my family and friends crash and sink on love’s jagged rocks. Somehow I was always believed that I would be spared and shown the path to navigate to the goal I truly desired.
I guess now it’s a fool’s folly.  Maybe I am giving up, maybe I am just growing up.
She took everything I had to offer a person, all that was good in me, and never returned the sentiment.  I believe that even a person as imperfect as myself can love someone so perfectly and I tried to do that when it came to her.
My heart, my life,  my ring was not enough  to convince her that our life together was a worth while effort.  So I failed at the one game I really needed to win.
So I am forced to  see thru the lies and cheating to know I  deserve better and just fold me hands and move on close that chapter of my life and not do what I have always done before and leave the door slightly ajar so she can always come back home.

I have not quite got thru all of the bs, but I am cool with the lessons learned It will take some time I guess but I have already moved on.   Loving someone is one thing but allowing them to take every advantage of you and give almost nothing in return is a very very different thing.

Here and Now

I can't believe this I am so out of breath, my mouth is so dry. I am so nervous; I can't seem to find the words, last night I had all the courage in the world. Now all the words chase my punk ass around my mind, and I try to take refuge in the dark corners of my mind's playground, but here comes the schoolyard bully, and it's high-noon otherwise known as 3 o clock, and it's my turn to have my lunch money taken while at the same time have my dignity taken from me, by having my underwear pulled up over my head.

Yea, I am my words little bitch right now,  the pressure is on, the time bullies normally go running for their mommy's. Talking all tough and rough, now when it matters my words break like the Rock Steady Crew.

See everyday for the last week, I have been waking up earlier then normal so I will be Right Here, Right Now, sitting directly across from you.

I have been not so secretly watching you over the rims of my glasses, trying to act like I am reading this book, I picked this book because it was supposed to be a favorite amongst the women at the office where I work. Funny, women doesn't seem to be the correct term for them, cause if they are women, then you must be some evolutionary jump forward, you must be one of those rare breeds that were on left on an island that evolved completely differently then your close cousins.

I am completely captured by the little twist of your traits and entranced by your beauty and your rareness. I feel like I was on safari and saw an animal so beautiful that I laid my shotgun down and picked up a bible, because with something of such stalk beauty there truly must be a God and I need to drop down and give thanks to the all mighty, cause you are mighty fine in my eyes.

All of this only heighten my sense of urgency cause I am like a 4yr old every-time you leave my vision, I worry you my never come back, and inside I cry. Now here I seat here dress in my Sunday best, nervous and pensive holding in my breath like I have gas, no I don't have gas but I have the words to blow you away, now if I can just remember where did I put them.

Yea I lovingly caressed them to sleep last night, but I awoke to find that Yogi bear made off with my picnic basket, but boo-boo I really do have the words that are just for you. 

A voice of the train's PA reminds me that time is of the essence and the minutes are ticking in the direction that made my action all the more vital, my lack of actions is the key here because even though it's been nearly a week of this game of cat and mouse, where you are Jerry, and I am Tom getting my ass handing to me yet again. Where did I put those damn words, I don't know why I am tripping over losing them. It's not like I have the courage to speak them, cause even though I can fly through my minds eye and single handily save the world time and time again in my mind, your beauty must be the kryptonite that levels my superman powerless.

Maybe I should face facts, that some dreams are just that, some words are meant only to be sung along with the rhythm of the heart, and to utter such truths will cause a rip in the space time continuum, that will surely usher in the end of days.
All I know is that none of that matters because for all intensive purposes there is no one else in this world just us two, and I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to remember where I parked the words , the words to pick the lock and set the caged bird free.  That's when it happens you start to gather yourself readying to leave; I have to make my move.  The pressure is too much and I start lose hope and accept my fate, just then as the gravity of my failure raises up to greet me, Just then it happens an act of mercy You shine light against the approaching darkness, you grant my stay of execution and set free my flights of fancy, Your lips separate and your angelic voice speaks "Have a good day" It's show time "You too", I reply as I watch you walk off the train as the doors close and I  start to cry because at that very moment I remember where I put the words,

You see I didn't want to lose them so I wrote them on my heart. The train starts to pull away; I dry my eyes and wait for my next

Here and Now

Spring Cleaning….

Spent some time just pick up a few things and dusty, I am going to doing a new theme and make some more serious changes next week, for now enjoy.

Iphone is Evil

RoadBlocks

I was doing some leg work for one of my projects and i came across a major setback, and I'm stuck wondering if there is a forward direction to go to.  I have a simple idea and a great platform, but being able to compete in a crowded market is hard.
I know that this is a test of how deeply i believe in myself and my business skills, I can't help but feel like i got the wind knocked out of me.  I had promised myself of all my many ideas that I let slip by I wouldn't let this one end the same way.  So I trying to come up with something that put me ahead the rest of the pack.
    Dealing with set backs is hard but I believe it's a necessary part of the process I guess if I hit the first road
block and give up then I don't deserve to win anyway.  Now I'm stuck looking inside for an answer to my problem and a wind to blow me in the direction I need to go.

Weekend let’s go

Weekend let’s Go!

Broken Mirrors

Real friends always have the ability to call you on your
BullShit, when you need a sit your ass down moment.  That is what happened to me today. I was
complaining about a problem I have been having lately.  After I got over my ego being bruised I realized
that I needed to step up more and take more responsibility for my actions.  I have been working on this more and more,
but my conversation made me see how much work I have yet to do, its funny cause
I had pretty much already come to the same conclusion a few days ago, but it
was just having my shit called out made me mad and then I directly my anger at
the true target, myself.  I have so much more
to learn about things going on around me and the things going on within
me.    

 

I have to deal with these pesky demons that plague me, and
try to put my broken life back together. 
I guess hiding in the gym everyday doesn’t really cover it either, can’t
build anything on a faulty foundation. So I struggle on trying to find the real
me inside this house of cards that I have become.  I hope all that matter can bear with me till I
get my shit together.

 

I know I am not perfect; I am stubborn, arrogant, and just
all too full of myself.  I am pretty much
what I am I needed to be to get alone in this world, but that doesn’t excuse my
sins.   I am working on things, so I apologize in
advance for all the people who have to put up with me.